You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
