Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
