Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
