i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
