sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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