genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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