i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
