I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
