I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
