she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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