Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
