there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
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i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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