I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
