Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
