on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
