I'm going to jail i love you
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
