Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
When did angry sex become our thing?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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