So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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