I can feel you judging me through the phone.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
