I wanna bring you to show and tell
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
