she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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