Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Boobs speak an international language.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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