Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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