i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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