Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
