honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
