I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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