I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
there's paper in my vomit.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
