im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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