Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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