I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
