I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Did you just see the Batmobile???
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
