My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
