Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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