So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
