yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
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He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
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after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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