My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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