I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
