All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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