If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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