Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
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