Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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