Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
