he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
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Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
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Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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