A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
