dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
