My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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