i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
