highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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