so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
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I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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