i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
