Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I love you. Go after that dick
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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