I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
