I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
