you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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