Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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