walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
