Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
